Welcome back to the latest installment of Rolling Stones Everything Index, where we rank the weeks pop-culture power players, none of whom have to wait in line for iPhones. Thats what assistants are for.
Speaking of, if youre feeling woozy today, congrats: youve either been infected with iOS 8, or a rare respiratory virus currently terrifying the Midwest. Dont worry, weve got you covered regardless, as both Apples big announcement and the EV-D68 enterovirus made this weeks countdown. So did One Direction, Taylor Swift and the Olive Garden, two of which are far more deadly than a viral outbreak. Lets get Indexing.
1. iPhone 6: Apples newgame-changing gadget comes with larger screen, sapphire glass and near-field communication technology, none of which will make you any less of an asshole if you wait in line for one.
2. One Directions New Album: Is called Four. Something tells us there probably wont be a Five.
3. Things We Learned in Taylor Swifts Rolling Stone Cover Story: Her iPhone is covered in kitten stickers; if she had to compare herself to one Girls character, it would be Shoshanna; she has a cat named after Law & Order: Special Victims Units Olivia Benson. For those keeping score at home, those are reasons 23,988-90 why we love her.
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4. EV-D68: Rare respiratory virus sickens hundreds of children in Kansas City. It was either that or the molasses-based BBQ sauce.
5. Olive Gardens Never-Ending Pasta Pass: Americas leading purveyor of breadsticks and Hospitaliano unveils seven-week, all-you-can-eat pasta plan. It costs $100; the type-two diabetes is complimentary.
6. Ray Rice: Ravens RB is cut by team, suspended by league after new footage of him punching fiance surfaces. Good riddance. Related: if your fantasy team is named Beats by Ray, perhaps its time to re-evaluate a few things.
7. Adam Levine: Its been a week, and we still cant believe hes that good at impressions.
8. Its Fashion Week in New York City: Everyone in the RS office is marking the occasion by wearing theirAlexander Wang plaid button-ups.
9. Gene Simmons Declares Rock is Dead: KISS CEO gets his Matlock on, proclaims rock & roll was murdered by filesharing. Hed take the case, but we all know how he feels about pro bono work.
10. Iggy and Ariana on SNL: The queens of summersupposedly locked in to perform on season premiere later this month. Shoot, at this point, they should just let them host Weekend Update.
11. Miley Cyrus, Fluxus Artist: Pot-obsessed pop star picks up the glue gun, creates neo-dadaist collages of childlike detritus that will be on display at V Magazines NYC office later this week. I just sit around and smoke weed anyway, so I might as well sit around, smoke weed and do something, she explains. Hey, just like Nam June Paik!
12. James Corden Taking Over The Late Late Show: CBS taps Brit comedian as Craig Fergusons replacement. Remember, in England, his weight is measured in Pound sterling.
13. Fantasy Football: At the moment, more appealing that actual football.
14. The Jennifer Aniston Comeback: Inevitable, after former Friend generates Oscar buzz with dark-and-depressed role in Cake. For research, she went back and watched Wanderlust.
15. Tom Hiddleston Does Hank Willams: Dude who plays Loki pulls the ultimate prank, performs Hanks Move It On Over at Michigans Wheatland Music Festival. Not to be outdone, Chris Hemsworth did a full set as Jimmie Rodgers.
16. Boardwalk Empire Returns: HBOs great Ill watch it because its on drama begins its final season. Good thing The Leftovers is here to pick up the mantle.
17. Roger Federer: The Swiss Maestrocontinues his march to immortality with another US Open title. Oh, wait, he didnt win?
18. The End of The Sims: Reports say if latest edition of life-sim series isnt a hit, there wont be another game. Think how many more of these people youll have to deal with in public if that happens.
19. Katy Perrys Pizza Nails: Apparently, shes sporting them in her This Is How We Do video. We were too busy focusing on the looking all Japanese-y line.
20. The Fischerspooner Book: NYC performance (dont call them electroclash) troupe to release career-spanning retrospective. Its only 25 pages long, and all of it takes place in 2002.
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