Welcome back to Rolling Stones Everything Index, where we rank the weeks pop-culture power players, some of whom you havent seen naked.
Yes, its been a rough couple of days for something like 80 percent of the worlds female celebrities and the concept of privacy as a massive hack made their personal pics very public. This may be the leak to end all leaks, and while it undoubtedly made your 13-year-old brother happy (Why is the door locked, Josh?!?) weve got to admit that the whole thing left us feeling pretty icky. Of course, that didnt stop us from putting the leaks at number one on this weeks power rankingsweve got a job to do, after all.
1. Every Female Celeb Gets Hacked: Alleged nudes of Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, Ariana Grande and more leaked in latest celebrity hacking scandal. Its terrible and really sort of gross, but more importantly: Krysten Ritter is a celebrity?
2. The Saved by the Bell Movie: Lifetimes unauthorized Bell is every bit as craptastic as youd imagine, though we at least credit the kid playing Zack Morris for keeping those eyebrows on his head.
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3. Snapchat Valued at $10 Billion: Or, 25 cents per dick pic.
4. Your Labor Day Hangover: Like the old saying goes One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, Samuel Gompers.
5. Kanye West: Rips comedian Jay Pharoah after VMA jabs, says marriage to Kim Kardashian should be treated with respect. Or as the capper to the latest season of his wifes realty show. Same diff.
6. Bikini Coffee Stands: Cops crack sex ring at Java Juggs drive thrus in Washington state. Hope you never asked for extra foam on your latte.
7. Pixars Lava: Volcanoesso hot right now.
8. Taylor Swift, Guest Mentor: TayTay to advise contestants on upcoming season of The Voice. Lesson one: Never forgive, never forget.
9. Every Simpsons Ever: After 278 consecutive hours, heroic Simpsons marathon finally wraps, FXX returns to being that channel we can never find on our cable guide.
10. The NFL Returns: That ringing in your ears is the sound of Americas football machine firing up once again. Or the side-effects of a concussion.
11. Electric Zoo Festival Gets Rained Out: New Yorks EDM fest canceled due to extreme weather conditions. Who knew cumulonimbus clouds had taste?
12. Hello Kitty: Not actually a cat. Though try convincing the shut-ins that collect her.
13. Radioheads PolyFauna App: Thom Yorke and Co. tease new album with updated soundscapes on exploratory audio-visual app. Kind of like The King of Limbs, only it tests your iPhones battery life, not your patience.
14. Fantasy Football Championship Belts: Completely ridiculous new accessory allows every fantasy champ to channel their inner Ric Flair. Of course we want one.
15. Courtney Loves Memoir: The Girl with the Most Cake is shockingly behind schedule. Its a disaster, C. Love cries. Oh, come on now. It cant be any worse than Nobodys Daughter.
16. Happy Birthday, Beyonc: Queen Bey turns 33 on Thursday. Well celebrate by remembering all the things wed accomplished at that agelike, uh, putting on pants?
17. Britney Spears Goes Off at Las Vegas Show: Takes shots at cheating ex, flogs Perez Hilton during rare unscripted moment at Vegas residency. Were surprised her microphone actually works.
18. Iggy Azalea: Australian import shoots hoops with L.A. Laker boyfriend. Shes at least twice as durable as Andrew Bogut.
19. Russian Sex Geckos: Reptiles meant to study reproduction in zero gravity dead upon re-entry. Watch out Putin, the Geico mascot is out for revenge.
20. The US Open: Happening right now. No, really!
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